Gold Star Dad

The thoughts of a father who has lost a son to war

The Holidays, Better luck next year?

Posted by fozzynok on 08/11/2009

I’m not sure how this will be received by some people. Not really sure how any of these blogs are being received by anyone. For me these blogs are away of getting some things out of my skull and to chase away things that are getting too me. The trip to see the guys come home was nice. I admittedly have been a lot less involved in keeping in touch and keeping track of the guys during this deployment. I have been worried about all of them and keep them in my thoughts almost constantly. I through my wife’s fantastic efforts have supported my son’s brothers in arms the best way that I could. I went on the trip even though I feel like a bit of an outsider and even an invader to some extent. We are the reminders of things that people do not like to admit exist. We thankfully in a sick way are relatively few in numbers and if there is a benevolent god somewhere, I guess I can thank them for that. Something happened during this trip that really made me a bit self-conscious. One of the guys I thought the most of seemed to be pulling away from me in discussion and in his body language. I asked if there was something and he basically admitted that while he enjoyed our company, he was just getting a little uncomfortable about HOW we met. It really kind of took me off guard and some of my reticence about being involved too much with these guys proved to be a little truer than I had imagined.

I have come to the realization that I have been living and that’s about it. I’ve not done a very good job and getting on with things and this has affected my whole being. Now to preface this statement, I must admit that I’ve never been a huge bag full of optimism and love of my fellow man or even my life in general. My good friends can tell you this more than I can. I do not generally have much love for the generic human animal. Something with the potential to be so warm, loving and beautiful that has historically been everything but. I don’t see humans as anything special or extra-ordinary. To me a human is no more special than a tree or blade of grass. As long as the human monkey has been trying to eliminate themselves as a species, the more they seem to infest the planet.  I wrote a while back that the deep dark basement was a real thing and that I realized that it was there and that I was doing my best to get the hell out of it. Well…. The attempt really is sometimes not going too well obviously.

Now before everyone panics and runs to the phones and or the computer to get me tossed in the loony bin, let me assure everyone that I know what the heck is going on and why. I am depressed and I will be for some time. If there is a reason in this crappy world to BE depressed then this would qualify. I don’t like this, but this is what I’m stuck with for now. I will eventually get back with the program and feel like there is more to life than hiding at work and hiding at the house. My job requires a lot of me. I work 6 days a week most weeks and 7 days on some weeks. I am on call 24/7 365 days a year. It HAS saved my sanity to a degree, so I do not think that with the continual calls and tasks and running about is necessarily a bad thing. There are times where I’d love to find a cave somewhere and become a hermit, but caves are very hard to come by around these parts.

We had a huge gathering for Thanksgiving and really feel like I’ve probably not done too great a job as a host. I realize that there is another world out there and that at least me, personally have not had much part in it. The relatives and friends were all there and they seemed like they had a decent enough time, but I found myself almost bitter and honestly a bit resentful for their happiness and their lives that seem to be going somewhere. This is my problem and I know it! I hope none of you reading this take it personal, its not. I do not know how to get out of this and a problem I think is that to get out of means getting over it a little and that right now is just not something that I can or even really want to do.  My best friends are worried about me I guess… I’m not like I was in the “good old days”.

Christmas was coming.. I honestly dreaded the very thought of it. We scaled way back and gathered in a small group and try to share something between us. Nothing from the huge stack of Christmas’ past in boxes in the garage was included this year. The memories of all that shall and should remain locked up for now. There is nothing really to celebrate this year. For me here is no cheer, there is no hope of trinkets and toys. There is just the same kind of hollow feeling that some of us feel when we catch ourselves thinking of how things have changed for us personally from the carefree exciting days of Christmas’ past when it was we who still believed in the whole thing, and selfishly knew that even after the magic was gone and we could no longer “hear the Christmas bell”, that there were still going to be great things to enjoy and family there to share in the whole thing. It changes quite a bit when you are the purveyor and or the illusionist for your own children and other kids around the place. You can see the magic, feel the excitement. For a short period of time if you are in to it, you too can kind of slip into the excitement and live like a child.

I have been catching myself in these past few years really missing being the child and having that level of blind faith and pure excitement in something. Those days are gone for the foreseeable future and especially this year with the loss of someone who was pretty integral in the whole scene for me. Micheal was our “Christmas kid” and would have probably been our honorary Christmas family nut. He loved the season and did it for all the right reasons and could “let go” of the real world for the whole Christmas thing. My mother was the Christmas nut for our family. Through many years of Christmas’ she was the one person for the whole clan who dragged you kicking and screaming into the season. She exuded it; she wholly enjoyed it and made it enjoyable for all but the most grinchie of the grinches.  I lost my mother when she was only 49 years old. For years I personally have been looking for that person who can turn Christmas into Christmas again. It is not something that anyone can do even consciously I feel. It finds them and it is just who they are for that season. I think I have lost another one who could have done that for us. I hope they are out there somewhere doing what they do and enjoying the hell out of it immensely.

Peace on Earth

We sure need some…

To all the servicemen and women all over the world, Thank you for doing what you do every day of every year.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: