My dreams have returned. Not nightmares! I’ve never really had any of those. I have now started dreaming the same sorts of odd and meaningless dreams that normal people dream. It’s odd and strange, but since we lost Micheal. I have not dreamed or remembered any of them. Sleep has been a non-event really, drift off, fade to black, wake up tired and start another long day. There has only been one dream and it was the exception and the only visit from him where I talked to him, hugged him one last time and then awoke as we pulled away, had a good cry and that was all that there has ever been since. I know that there are those who study these things and insist that it’s impossible not to have dreams and I probably do, but since Micheal was killed I have not had any desires, pleasures or felt the things that make up the substances that creates or causes dreams. I have been alive but honestly, I do not really live anymore I just go through the motions hoping that I’ll snap out of it and start feeling things like I was alive again, I go through the motions, but there is really no extended joy over anything. I try! I honestly do.
I’ve done some things in the last couple of years that now looking back were just a wasted of time and effort, attempts at appearing to be alive, appearing to be getting over things, appearing to enjoying myself. They have all pretty much failed. I bought an old 86 Chevy pick up to fix up, I dropped some money into it and transformed it into something that I wasn’t even looking for, and sold it… I bought a used Suzuki motorcycle seeking to regain some of the solace and pure energy and adrenaline rush that I used to when I was a younger man. I harder I tried, the more forced and synthetic the feelings I got while riding the thing. I rode a few Patriot Guard events and those just were no where to hide either, so it is now on the auction block. I cannot stand to see things thing sit day after day and week after week. I might as well send them out to be used by someone as they were intended to be.
I’ve probably insulted my loved ones in this addition to the blog, that is not the aim at all. What I do need to point out that this is a pure case of everyone having to deal with Micheal’s death on their own terms. There is no cookie cutter, instant and exact way to deal with this and NO ONE can deal with it for you. We have good days and bad days and for me anyway, when I catch myself moving on even a little, it comes with feelings of guilt and angst and varying levels. Hell, If I am on the way to work and find that I have forgotten my ID bracelet, I am overcome with guilt until I get it back on my wrist. There are few things that give me some peace but they are very fleeting and very far away, they may as well be on the moon. I see my wife and children in the various painful and guilt ridden stages of this and am really helpless to do much for them. Any help or even acknowledgment of their struggles comes at a price to them directly. I want to help them all, but suffering the exact same things at different times and at different levels makes it more harmful to them and probably to myself.. This still sucks every single day.