Gold Star Dad

The thoughts of a father who has lost a son to war

Dreams

Posted by fozzynok on 08/02/2010

My dreams have returned. Not nightmares! I’ve never really had any of those. I have now started dreaming the same sorts of odd and meaningless dreams that normal people dream. It’s odd and strange, but since we lost Micheal. I have not dreamed or remembered any of them. Sleep has been a non-event really, drift off, fade to black, wake up tired and start another long day. There has only been one dream and it was the exception and the only visit from him where I talked to him, hugged him one last time and then awoke as we pulled away, had a good cry and that was all that there has ever been since. I know that there are those who study these things and insist that it’s impossible not to have dreams and I probably do, but since Micheal was killed I have not had any desires, pleasures or felt the things that make up the substances that creates or causes dreams. I have been alive but honestly, I do not really live anymore I just go through the motions hoping that I’ll snap out of it and start feeling things like I was alive again, I go through the motions, but there is really no extended joy over anything. I try! I honestly do.

I’ve done some things in the last couple of years that now looking back were just a wasted of time and effort, attempts at appearing to be alive, appearing to be getting over things, appearing to enjoying myself. They have all pretty much failed. I bought an old 86 Chevy pick up to fix up, I dropped some money into it and transformed it into something that I wasn’t even looking for, and sold it… I bought a used Suzuki motorcycle seeking to regain some of the solace and pure energy and adrenaline rush that I used to when I was a younger man. I harder I tried, the more forced and synthetic the feelings I got while riding the thing. I rode a few Patriot Guard events and those just were no where to hide either, so it is now on the auction block. I cannot stand to see things thing sit day after day and week after week. I might as well send them out to be used by someone as they were intended to be.

I’ve probably insulted my loved ones in this addition to the blog, that is not the aim at all. What I do need to point out that this is a pure case of everyone having to deal with Micheal’s death on their own terms. There is no cookie cutter, instant and exact way to deal with this and NO ONE can deal with it for you. We have good days and bad days and for me anyway, when I catch myself moving on even a little, it comes with feelings of guilt and angst and varying levels. Hell, If I am on the way to work and find that I have forgotten my ID bracelet, I am overcome with guilt until I get it back on my wrist. There are few things that give me some peace but they are very fleeting and very far away, they may as well be on the moon. I see my wife and children in the various painful and guilt ridden stages of this and am really helpless to do much for them. Any help or even acknowledgment of their struggles comes at a price to them directly. I want to help them all, but suffering the exact same things at different times and at different levels makes it more harmful to them and probably to myself.. This still sucks every single day.

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3 Responses to “Dreams”

  1. Moose said

    I hope you can find some measure of peace.

  2. Dawn said

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Journaling is an awesome way to put things into perspective. Peace can be found — it’s just holding on to it when you find it. I hope that it finds you soon….none of us can truly understand.

    • fozzynok said

      I’m not really sure how to describe this whole issue as it relates to peace. I’m not sure that people can understand that there can be peace without joy. I’ve discussed this with a few people and my problem or maybe even curse is that I rationalize far too much. There is really not one group to really be angry enough to lash out at. The problem that is the constant here is humanity. There are millions of beautiful species in the world and I’ve come to realize that the human animal simple is and never will be one of them. I know that its rather sick to have no real use for humanity while being a member of it but I’ve grown to become completely ashamed of us. Look at world history and there really can never be found anything to be proud of being human. In last few years it’s just gotten worse and worse for me in trying to fit in with groups both large and small and have realized the futility of such. There are damn few humans who I’ll trust to drop my guard around. This circle took a rather large hit in recent months so I cant even claim to have that anymore.

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