Gold Star Dad

The thoughts of a father who has lost a son to war

When the marbles fall out.

Posted by fozzynok on 01/16/2014

Not sure when I became crazy or an over emotional waste of space, but today, I lost a bit of my mind. I know that the world is full of people who are crude, rude and abrasive and for me in most and certain times I consider myself all of the above and don’t really care who thinks that of me. I have worked at never reacting to things and always responding to them. Today I reacted and it was pretty much an uncontrollable response like getting kicked in the balls.

I think everyone has sometimes wondered what certain mental issues feel like, things that the mind is certain of and the body (controlled by the mind) reacts to stimuli from the brain. I long time ago, I got to experience a real quick onset of vertigo. I had this event happen while standing on a ladder 30 feet about the ground with a crane above me that was swinging an air handler toward the stand that I was hooked to so I could guide it and secure it to the stand.. The crane was moving slowly and steadily, and was swinging the machine my way… for some reason and I still do not know what did it… I got hit with vertigo. The machine stopped moving (in my brain) and the building, the stand and the ladder started to fall down (in my mind) I felt it moving and of course I must have been one hell of sight up their grabbing and flapping around as I “fell” when I wasn’t moving anywhere.

Well, I always wondered about flashbacks… Many people who have had stresses and traumatic things happen have flashbacks. Now I know what one of those feel like and it really pissed me off!! Why? Hell! I don’t know… It beat vomiting I guess. It cost me one of the combat sons and admittedly he probably never even considered what he did as anything less than a “funny” video that was shared on the internet. To me it was something that triggered what I guess was a full blown flashback.

The term Catfishing is a new word and has to do with people on the internet who make up a character and use that character as if the person is real. They interact with people as this persona and then in the end, someone puts the people they have been conning and ooh boy! It’s supposedly a real funny moment. To me I think it’s one of the dumber, jackass activities that people now love to play, lying and misrepresenting yourself to others and then making them look foolish is funny to some people.

Well today I was caught up and cruising Facebook for odd things that friends have posted and came across a video on one of the combat kid’s pages… Not thinking that this is anything completely horrible, I opened the link and made it about 30 seconds into it before I had the flashback occur. This was not even a real “catfishing” incident. This was a spoof of a catfishing incident which made it worse and more to cause me to melt down.

All I got to was the military uniforms and a folded flag and the “funny” part was that the catfisher was spoofing a soldier somewhere and the notification team was sent to them… Funny? I honestly for the life of me do not know HOW this could be seen as funny to anyone, let alone military people whose friends and brothers have been sent home to their families. I understand that these men have been through a ton of shit, I understand that lots of professions get “gallows humor” as a defense against the realities. I wasn’t ready for that and it hurt me deeper than anyone would have guessed. Some other person was on the page and what set me off was some comment directed toward me as being the fake insulted person…

Yeah, the flashback was fake… the instant I realized what the video was about… instantly I was in my front yard and they were there.. The wailing, the burning the white sounds,the confused and broken family the realization that my son was dead and there was not getting out of it at that point. The exit of the two uniformed men, My daughter driving up with her friends and getting the news from my wife, I guess I just don’t get the humor linked to this in any way.  I guess this is where I join the group that gets told that being offended is some sort of personal weakness… Well, some things should be off limits and some things just aren’t funny. I guess it was more WHO was posting this vile thing and not what. 

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