Gold Star Dad

The thoughts of a father who has lost a son to war

Ten Years

Posted by fozzynok on 02/23/2018

So at this point it’s been ten years. lately, I’ve had a lot of time to think.. And thinking is one of the most damaging things that we as gold star parents do. I guess I am speaking for myself of course as all gold star people walk in different steps on the same path. There are things that are still with me and some things that I have been able to pass through even though these things are still in the corners of my mind waiting in dormancy to strike me and make my soul ache some more.

Things that have been seared into my being are still here and will be in and probably damage my and my life until I breathe my last breath and pass onto the something or nothing that awaits us all. Some of these things are not describable or may seem petty or even stupid to others even other gold star people. Same path.. Different steps.

Some examples of these horrible things I will go into and hopefully they will make some sense or someone with some psychiatric title will suggest I check into the funny farm. Some of these are simple things.. And some are more complex.

Signing my name to anything. On February 24th 2008.. I started hating to sign my own name. Why? Because I am the person who signed the form that for all intents and purposes, officially  made my son dead to the world. Now It’s asinine to say that not signing my name would have changed anything, but signing my name to that form was one of the most mentally damaging things in my life. Again I had to sign a form that basically asked “if we find the rest of him… do you want to know?” These are all things that someone has to officially do. That someone was going to be me as I felt it was my responsibility.. Now, every time that I have to sign my name, that twinge is there..

Being places that Micheal and I enjoyed, Doing the things that we did. Sometimes it catches you unaware, and sometimes you just have to go to these places. For years I was bothered by the sight of the hangars out at the local airpark. I have been there many times since then. The noises and sights have not changed much. I have attended some military events here and there, and during those things, I just miss him. We used to go to places together and just have so much fun learning and seeing things, It’s not really possible anymore, and I know that.  I sometimes catch myself having fun and the feeling is instantly crushed by the guilt of having fun.

Seeking peace (many failed attempts). I speak for myself here as I have tried and failed at so many attempts to find something that can bring some sort of simple joy and an escape from the pain of this. Motorcycles used to do it for me as a young man.. Motorcycles don’t really touch it this time. I don’t really drink and don’t do drugs so that’s not an escape for me. I have just wandered the planet trying to find something that can be some sort of an escape. One of the only places in the world where I can find air and peace? Is the shorelines of California and the Pacific ocean that can recharge me and allow me to breathe in some calming air. It’s really weird. I have always loved the ocean.. And the ocean has always been a special place.  I feel that I have worn out my welcome in some places in many attempts at that small sliver of joy I am intruding on others when I go, and that has caused me to pull back in going out there. I must do without it as much as possible lest I ruin some of the relationships with people there. The only problem with getting out there and feeling that good feeling is comes with the realization that it’s only temporary and I have to leave it again. The trips back here are the worst..

Becoming even more disillusioned with the human species. I have read human history, and apparently, humans cannot and will not learn that we are simply stuck on an ever shrinking rock with more and more humans on it… and they all hate each other. The species at some point will destroy themselves and their world to the point that it will no longer support them.. And the species will die off.

The searing pain of not being able to fix the pain that this has caused to my family. We are each individuals dealing with the loss of the same person.. But the pain aspect is different for us all as Micheal was a different person to all of us in our daily lives… and no matter what I do, I cannot make this any better for any of us. From this year on.. My oldest son is now forever my youngest son..

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