Gold Star Dad

The thoughts of a father who has lost a son to war

Archive for April, 2019

11 years and I’m still here

Posted by fozzynok on 04/02/2019

I wish it was better news, I wish it was anyhow different that it was on year one through year ten. It’s not, its worse. Life goes on, but nothing ever gets better. While I have gotten better and dealing with this, the fact is that I do my best to not deal with much of anything. I’ve lost the desire and motivation to compete for anything anymore. It doesn’t matter anymore to me. I used to really try to be the best at everything like it mattered. I have worked the killer hours in a career that I’ve come to hate and an industry that has for the most part disowned me. The industry has changed to the point that its not even recognizable anymore. Anyone who has real world experience in the Trucking industry is seen as dangerous. There is a new flock of inexperienced people who have been placed in charge to save an industry that they know nothing about. They are money people, anyway, I could rant about that for days. The one thing about the career is that it probably saved my life in the darker days of this life. Working hundreds of hours a week in all hours of the days and nights kept me busy to the point that nothing was left of me to hurt. But it has cost me dearly

My health is pretty bad overall.  At first it was practical slave labor that I loved to the very recesses of my soul. I was a freight throwing animal and my body really paid for it. But I was tough back then and had to work to feed a growing family. The crappy hours, the grind the sleep deprivation, it all added up. I drove trucks all over the country and was a model driver.. Or so I thought. I was the driver that companies SAID that they wanted. No ticket’s no accidents. always where I was where I said I would be.. for I got into training, management and ultimately into safety. And in the in, not one bit of being the best of the best mattered a hill of shit. I’m now old, have arthritis in most of my joints, a decades old knee reconstruction.. add this to depression and its not a party.

I have never been much of a people person, and that’s only been amplified. I used to be a internet discussion animal. A real defender of the middle of the road. Politically one click left of center as it relates to most everything and I was ready to tear into any discussion. It was kind of fun. I was roundly disliked by BOTH sides of the political spectrum equally. I have stated before that right after my son was KIA. I got the business from the left side of the spectrum.. but that was pretty mild and went on for compared to what has gone on for years, a short time. Now without changing much on my stances on things, I have been labeled as a full blown commie/lib/socialist/Muslim loving traitor. Living in a place that is almost universally full of right wingers.. it makes the Island pretty small and desolate. Maybe I need to get a volleyball and name it Wilson.

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