Gold Star Dad

The thoughts of a father who has lost a son to war

Trying and failing on the holidays.

Posted by fozzynok on 11/22/2012

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Well another year draws to an end and with it brings changes  in the weather changes in changes in the amount of daylight, and the holidays are here and the all the trappings , emotions and hidden traps around every corner and every box. Today is Thanksgiving. Where I think it is universal for all of the gold star families to gather together and do their best to ignore the obvious and fight with the moment to moment feelings and memories of the past and the moments that we shared with our fallen.

Today I got through most of the day without noticing the empty chair or the hole in the air. We watched some old home movies last night of the kids as they were going through their holiday programs and Christmas festivities.  Little boys and girls living the wonderful joy filled times of the magic of the holidays. Watching them with their little friends singing songs on a stage, their nervous energy barely contained by the teachers who had the patience only dealing with years upon years of these things can bring. We watched the films and remembered and enjoyed the images of things past.

Today was a huge feast full of company, relatives, reminiscing, watching old shows and parades with the family, festivities and loads of food from recipes we have been eating and looking forward to since we had our first memories of Thanksgivings with our own extended families as young kids. All of my kids are getting up there to where they are adults or close to it. The addition of our grandson allows me to look forward to once again living the magic of the season through the eyes of a child. I do miss the magic!

Today was going OK and the hole in the world was put off most of the day. We went out tonight to drive through a large holiday light display that we do every year. The darkness makes the lights really look spectacular and brilliant. Some of the displays are animated using blinking lights. I kind of fell in and out  of a bit of a funk as we drove through the different displays. It made me realize that it was kind of like my mood during the holiday, moments of light and dark. I do my best to do this better every year. Some days I feel successful and other days, I just fail the whole day.

Where ever you are tonight Micheal, I hope you are surrounded by your brothers in arms and are having a ball of a time. You are missed every day.. somedays just more than others.

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One Response to “Trying and failing on the holidays.”

  1. Carey Neesley said

    I know it hard to explain the bittersweet feelings. The beautiful memories and that dark space that occupies and sometimes takes over your soul. Peter died Christmas morning….we received his body on New Years Eve 2007. Its so hard to not hate Christmas…to be angry at everyone elses oblivious happiness and trivial complaints. Its hard for what was the happiest times to now hold so much pain. And yet to be expected to walk around with a smile on your face. Does anyone know how much it hurts to hear Merry Christmas or Happy New Year. I want to hit them and throw up at the same time. I wish I had the answers for you. But all I can say is you are not alone.

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